Dear Frank:

I’ve been engaged to my fiancé for three months now (together for 3 years), and although the overall sex isn’t bad, he’s sloppy at oral sex. He seems to be really into it, but he’s all over the road, with no clear path home.  How can I get my man to be a neater eater?

Jeri, California

The key to a quality tongue thrashing and any other worthwhile sexual (or romantic) encounter is communication, Jeri.  And when I say communication, I’m obviously referring to a massive media campaign geared towards shaming your saliva-happy hubby-to-be into a cotton-mouthed, clit-articulate cunnilingus connoisseur.

Start with a simple family newsletter announcing that your August wedding has been postponed until, and I quote “Sloppy eats my pussy with specificity, alacrity and orgasmic intention.”  Back up your letter with a Snapchat campaign of some naughty oral images with captions like “Sloppy: Lost again, and won’t ask for directions.”  A good domain name might be sloppypussyeater.com, that is, if it’s not already taken.

If all else fails head to the nearest rib joint and get that sloppy pussy eatin’ future husband of yours a plastic bib and some wet wipes.

Frank

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