woman-218764_1280-1Dear Angry Frank,

I’m a kinky little S&M chick who happened to hook up with a vanilla sex history professor recently.  I think he might be open to experimenting, and although I’m usually anything but shy, I really like this guy and worry about scaring him off. How do I bring him into my world without freaking him out?

Tanya, Louisiana

Bring him over with a sexual history lesson from none other than “Old Blood & Guts” himself, George S. Patton.  Outfitted in full W.W.II regalia purchased from your local Army / Navy store, start barking military-like orders including phrases such as “You’re a disgrace to yourself, this unit and God Himself” and “Lose those skivvies Lieutenant!”

 

Begin placing little plastic army men and vehicles about his body, spouting some bullshit about “theatre of operations,” “outflanking the enemy” and “subduing his mighty howitzer.”  Start tracing battalion movements across his flesh map, uttering “we’ll take the forest here” as you snap your baton across his pubes or  “The enemy has the high ground here” as you tap his potato masher (German hand grenade-for those non-history buffs). With your riding crop, begin to swipe enemy positions off his topographic man-scape as you lay waste to the German ground forces.  Order an aerial assault on enemy HQ with your classified, top secret “tongue of fire” weapon and finally bring in the mustachioed love bunker as you engulf his dictator, hollering “Take that Rommel, you magnificent bastard!”
Or you know, dress up like a crack whore and let him play a rogue vice cop who’ll give you a pass for some raunchy sexual favors in the back of his squad car.  Ok, the back of his Kia. What the fuck do I know?

 

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